Prior to last summer I spent about 4 months searching for a coop position. I applied to everything, I interviewed for tons of jobs, at least once a week I was called. Not all went well, but some did. I heard wonderful things like "only two people were selected to be interviewed," "you have amazing references," and upon turning me down for positions I had people asking me to apply after I graduate because they wanted to hire me then, but not now. I had one employer say this was a very difficult decision and if the other person isn't absolutely perfect they would be kicking themselves. Although I am sure they think these things are comforting they were in fact more biting than anything. "You are almost perfect, and we really like you, but..." and there was always a but.
So when I received the message on my phone that someone wanted to offer me a position of course a smile came across my face, followed quickly but the need to wipe it off immediately. It seems I've been programed to believe that good things do not in fact happen to good people. But instead good things happen to those who are willing to break, stab, and steal their way to it. Of course this is not for everything but in a university setting you see people who don't try get better grades than you, you see yourself try and struggle. Who needs it sometimes. It is easier it seems to disenfranchise yourself from the possibility of hope and simply always get what is given to you. Suck it up and accept that at all times there are those who are better. Depressing? Possibly. Less likely to leave you feeling disappointed? Absolutely.
The only problem becomes when good things do happen to good people (read: myself) I ensure that the full effect I could feel is dumbed down so that should it be taken away I am not left in the dust. It can be easier if there are no expectations right.
So I guess I'm supposed to say that this just proves that hard work can pay off and one should never stop trying. But who needs to hear that. How about this; sometimes things work, and sometimes they don't. When they don't you are likely to build more character and appreciate things when they do work that much more.
Maybe age has turned me into too much of a cynic. I know this isn't the best of qualities and I know it will likely turn one into an "old bitty" but here is hoping I have enough moments that'll prove me wrong and too few that'll shock me away from grabbing my piece of cheese. I suppose the most important thing a mouse can do in this big world is keep going for the cheese no matter how many times you've been told no.
I am excited about this job, don't get me wrong, I guess I'm just not that good at showing it.
As an aside I finally (almost) completed my photo wall. I love walls that are covered in pictures and art - they have a kind of collage feel but a dressed up collage. It makes me happy.
Today I learned:
- Latex paint > Oil based paint
- Engineers not only make money, they pay it generously. Sweet.
I am grateful for:
- The Princess Bride - one of my all time faves
- Banana Bread
- People who make me laugh
- The Beatles blaring at work
- Tim Horton's XL Steeped Tea w/ 2 milks. Delish.