Très dificile!

Saturday June 12 - Sunday June 13

Saturday started early because we had to catch a bus at 8am. We were off and headed to Hopewell Rocks also known as the best place to see the tides of the Bay of Fundy. It was a fairly quick drive away, just under an hour to get there. It was interesting to drive across another province mostly because I'm used to seeing nothing and then small clusters of homes. Here it seems like there is never a clear stopping or starting of small towns but instead just continuous little plots of land with houses on it. And I'm used to big farm yards taking over lots of space but this might have been an acre or two per home. Kind of cool.

Upon arriving we looked around the information centre to learn about how the tides work, when things happen, how much the water raises/falls. Luckily the information was all bilingual because our tour guide was touring us in French - understandably so. We walked down to the point where the rocks are - these are the rocks that you think of when the Bay of Fundy was mentioned. It was very cool to see. We arrived shortly after 10am and the warning sign instructed us that tide was coming back in and we needed to be up the stairs by 10:20 so that we did not get trapped by the water. We all headed down to venture around. It was great. These rocks are a sight to see. So very tall and beautiful. Fortunately for us the warning time was a overestimation of the progression of the tides (which I'm sure they do on purpose). We actually got to hang out for about an hour. Upon reaching the top of the stairs the water was almost covering the entire sea floor we had just been walking on. It would have been nice to hang out and see how high the water gets but we had to head back to the bus.

We stopped for a snack at the restaurant there before heading back to the bus. It was about half past 12 when we started our drive back to the school. When we arrived at the university it was the end of lunch time so we wall went in to eat. After I came back to get some laundry done. It was gorgeous outside but sadly my cleanliness had to take precedence over laying in the sun. This wasn't bad except I wanted to nap and I had to be up at least every 20 minutes. The washer/dryers here require you pay $1.25 to use them. I had made sure to save up my loonies and quarters enough to get all my laundry done. Sadly the machine was not accepting loonies so I ended up having to hang all my clothes up in my room when I ran out of quarters. This was quite a site to see because I have limited space to hang things. Regardless of my quarter situation my afternoon was spent napping and doing laundry.

After dinner a few of us decided that we should go out for the evening because we got to sleep in on Sunday. When we finally managed to organize ourselves we headed downtown just after 10pm. This might have been a little bit early but the bar we were going to was serving $2 drinks until midnight. I guess most people here don't go out until later. This makes sense now considering the fact that their bars don't fill up - while in Calgary if you aren't in a bar by 10 or 11pm you will likely just be waiting outside in line until you decide to find somewhere else or go home. We ended up being the first people in the bar, or maybe I should call it a club. It was weird because it was technically three places as one. Each bar had a separate entrance, separate atmosphere, and different drink specials, you could however walk freely from one to the next. The sad part was they were all playing the same UFC flights on all tvs in all the bars.

The first (and smallest) bar was a weird techno-y vibe, the second (and largest) was a dance club feel, but the music wasn't that great, and finally there was more of a sports bar meets the decor of east side mario's pub. The last bar had most of the people early on - it had tables, waitresses, and the fight. We hung out there for most of the night. Oh and I should also mention that I drank rum all night long, this isn't really that interesting but I stayed away from vodka and I liked it. And I drank it with cranberry and orange juice (I'll thank Grandma S for that one!).

There were a ton of other 'explore' students there as well. The group I was with left fairly early (in comparison to the bar sceen here) at around 1:30. I was asleep shortly there after.

Sunday June 13

I actually slept in this morning, which I didn't think I'd be able to do. I spent the first little bit of my time looking up classes (because I register tomorrow) and looking for jobs. I thought I would have a great deal more time to do both of these things but this program has proved to be busier than I had expected.

I made it to the pool to go for a swim around 12:30 which I thought would be great because the swim went until about 2 but switched to family as opposed to lanes at 1. I didn't think this would be a problem. As it turns out they put a rope across the 25m pool and it is impossible to keep swimming lengths. boo. My swim was cut short. I also thought that I would be able to get lunch after I swam at 2pm but it turns out on Sunday's the schedule is changed and brunch ends at 1pm. I ate a bowl of cherrios and a bag of popcorn for brunch instead.

At 2:30 my prof was coming to campus to help anyone interested with our conversational French. I won't deny that I didn't want to go. I almost didn't but it was one of those, you can't say you suck if you really don't try things. ha. And I often feel like when you are the struggling student it is good to show up to the extra curricular things so the teacher thinks you are really trying - its worked for me in the past. I went, and yes it was good, but I still feel totally lost when people are talking. We have an oral exam on Tuesday before our final exam on Wednesday for the first course. On Thursday we are set to start the second level. This will be interesting. The study group was smaller than I expected, but again I'm the kind of student that doesn't see those sorts of things as optional. It lasted until almost 5:30.

After we went for dinner, this was followed by me putting away all my laundry that had been drying around my room for the past day and a half. At 8pm we had our weekly meeting that lasted all of 15 minutes - pointless. I came back to res and attempted to create a schedule for a semester I hopefully won't be in school for. It is hard because at this point I am only allowed to take one or two more soci classes (one of which is a required course not offered fall semester 2010) and I've taken almost all available coms classes. This leaves me sorting through other courses, something I don't like to do. It always seems like when one attempts to find "easy options" it turns bad. I think this is mostly because for the past 4-5 years we spend all our time figuring out how to perfect our grade in a certain subject area - how to write great coms papers is entirely different than how to write a great English, Political Science, or History paper. So you enter into the easy classes thinking I've got this and then realize that you only really know how to do what you have been doing. Well it is also hard because I have to consider work, sleep, and attempt to have Friday's off, because school on Friday sucks.

Downstairs in the common room a group of explore students were going to be watching "Paris, je t'aime" an French/English film with tid-bits for a story line. I spent most of my time looking at classes and only some of the time actually watching the film. It was... different, and I didn't finish it. Mostly I didn't finish it because as far as I could tell there wasn't one central story line other than the fact that all the pieces occurred in Paris, this made leaving to go to bed easy.

In regards to my decision to stay or go. I keep wavering back and forth. Had you asked me Saturday night I was dead set on leaving, it seemed like the right thing to do. Some times you have to admit defeat, come to the conclusion that some things just weren't meant for you, besides you can't be great at everything. It just takes me a lot longer to process and hold on to knowledge I guess. But then I went out with some great people and had fun. It would sadden me to think that I left too early or that I didn't try hard enough. But then people talk to me, I stare blankly at them, and they say in response "that was a simple sentence." I can tell I should know what they are asking me but it just doesn't seem to translate in my head. To me I just keep saying "I've heard this before, I should know what it means" and then I draw a blank.

I guess I feel that neither options are easy. It is not easy to admit defeat and it is not easy to keep trying at something and failing. But the real question is why am I here? and what am I getting out of this. I enjoy myself most when I am hanging out with the people from the program and we are speaking English, of course this is easy but it feels like myself. I enjoy the program the least when I am taking part in the activities unable to speak and I have to respond to questions with blank stares and be confused about the preceding activities. Class is still good but it is picking up pace and the things that we learned in the first week is beginning to be taken for granted as 'known' - which for me, it surely is not known.

The sad thing is, I don't want to leave this place. I love the possibility of visiting new places, meeting new people, and discovering the East coast but I just don't think this is the right way for me to do it. I'm not sure what will happen next, I am going to go and talk to the main coordinator tomorrow at some point and see what happens if I do decide to leave or what can be done. At this time I plan to finish the first course on Wednesday, suck up my pride and head home. I'll have to see if I'm allowed or if there is a penalty fee - in which case I might be staying. I guess I'll update you then.

I like to look at this as me jumping in with two feet to a new and scary adventure and learning that I wasn't cut out for it. I don't think that makes me a failure as much as it makes me brave for trying.

"The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed." - Lloyd Jones

"To bear failure with courage is the best proof of character that anyone can give." - W. Somerset Maugham

Today I learned:

• I really really don't like swimming caps. Or maybe I just don't like mine, but damn they are too tight.
• French is très dificile!
• About TreeGo - this great zip-lining/high tree adventure place here in Moncton - I want to go!
• If I was on the outside looking in I'd tell myself to suck it up for two weeks out of your life and finish the program. Weird how it works that way.
• I really want an slr camera. I knew this in Mexico when I was drooling over some of the other students' cameras but it makes such a difference in what you can do.

I am grateful for:

• A clean room
• Clean laundry
• Being able to regulate my own eating patterns in my normal life - I despise eating when I'm not hungry at all

Our view upon arriving looking down at the "flowerpot" rocks

After spending almost an hour on the sea floor it was time for us to make our exit, and the kayakers came out

Our view when we were leaving, the tide was still coming in and still had a lot of rising to do, but the difference is substantial